The TRUE Price of Marriage

Hey folks. This is "The Husband"...

Okay, so let's talk about how much marriage costs. You'd think, maybe marriage just means single life x 2 in terms of money...maybe x 3.... But you would be mistaken, my friend... But first, let me set up the story...

Okay...so some of you may know that the movie "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" just came out. Now its a nerdy type of movie. I admit it. But you know what? I want to see it. I read Xmen as a kid, and it seems like a lot of fun. Plus, its an action flick with explosions and fighting. After watching Sesame Street and Elmo, I need some good ol' fashioned movie violence! The ads make it look totally badass. So every time I see an ad, I say "I'm going to see that movie".

Now I don't get to see a lot of movies. I'm married, have a baby, and work alot. So it doesn't fit into the schedule. But I wanted to see this! So again, every time I saw the ad, I said "I want to see that movie".

Now here was the PLAN....I'd go during my lunch hour, on a mellow day at work. It would probably be a matinee' price. Maybe I'd splurge and get a hotdog there and a diet coke. So we're talking...what? 20 bucks? Maybe 25? Heck, maybe I just woulda grabbed a double cheeseburger or two from Burger King...that would make it closer to 15. But let's say 25 bucks. 2 hour movie, 1 hour to drive to the theater and back...3 hours out of my day, and 25 bucks. Not bad...

So one time I saw an ad and I said "I want to see that movie"...and then the worst thing happened. My wife was there. She said "You know, I don't get to spend alot of time with you. I'll go see it with you." Uhhh...there went my ability to see the movie. My dreams were utterly destroyed now.

First...if I go during lunch, I can see it during opening week because everyone will be at work or in school. With my wife, that means when I get home for work or a weekend, so its PACKED! So automatically I gotta wait 3 weeks MINIMUM before I can see it, so there's no huge crowd (and obnoxious people jabberin' on cell phones in the theater). 3 weeks automatically added. And now let's look at the real cost.

Ticket price? Matinee's maybe what? 7.50? Now we got 2 regular tickets...so that's 20 bucks right there...maybe more. And what? We need a babysitter, right? That's 20 bucks an hour. So that's 60 bucks right there, right? Well gosh, since we got a babysitter, I know she's going to say "Hey, its like we're on a date...let's go out to dinner." That means maybe sushi...that's what? Another 80 bucks? Plus with dinner, that's ANOTHER 1.5-2 hours for the babysitter, so that's now up to 100 bucks. And what if my wife wants candy or a soda in the theater?!?!! Oh geez! Another 10 bucks easy.

So we went from 3 hours total in the middle of my work day during opening week to now, I gotta wait 3 weeks, and need to plan 1 hour for travel, 2 hours for dinner, and 2 hours for the movie...so 5 hours...plus wait around for the babysitter, prep the house so she's got food for herself and the baby, etc etc. Now granted, this latter part, my wife would probably do. But she'll give me the evil eye for not helping...so before we leave for the movie, I'm already in the doghouse!

You know what happens when we stand in line? She'll say "Oh look, <insert girlie movie> is playing! You sure you don't want to see that?" But let's assume that SOMEHOW, I stick to my guns, and manage to get into Wolverine...after waiting 3 weeks...

So from 25 bucks for JUST me...its now 100 for babysitter, 10 bucks for candy/soda, 80 bucks for sushi, and 20 for the movie. About 210 dollars. And you know what happens with that 210 bucks?!?!! Throughout the whole movie, I get to hear my wife say how stupid the movie is! "Oh God, you like this?", "Oh geez, another explosion?", "Listen to that corny dialogue!"....so I really don't get to enjoy the movie. PLUS, we'll both be worried about our child the whole time too, so I still can't get into the movie now.

So really, I don't get to enjoy the movie. If I was alone, I could quietly (after the movie is over), and if no one is looking, stare into a mirror in the lobby, make some angry faces, flex some muscles, and feel like "Yeah...I'm totally badass like Wolverine." I'd stand proud and feel all energized. BOOYA! Granted, guys do this in secret, when no one is watching, but its a guy thing. You're all amped up! But now, after missing all the good dialogue, if my wife catches me posing, I'll hear "Oh God! I married a nerd!". "Ma'am, that's NERD-American!"

Sigh...and you know what happens on the drive back? "So, now that we saw your movie, when can we do this again and see one of my movies?" 210 bucks TIMES 2...BOOYA!

So let's examine this. 25 bucks single...equals 420 bucks married. THAT's married math. Live with it. Sigh...

Comments

[Kami]

Wow if you guys are gonna pay $20 per hour for a babysitter, please pick me!! Jen, I think I will open my schedule to all your babysitting needs at that rate. HEHE