Our Life, My Way

What Happened To The Village?

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I seem to be one of those lucky few who have surrounded myself with friends and family who feel the same way. But as I look at our society as a whole I see kids who don't have adult supervision, have no respect for authority, and either don't know right from wrong or just don't care. I have a village of supportive people around me, but what happened to the larger village of our society?

When I was a kid, I grew up in an area where every adult woman in the neighborhood was my "Auntie". People who were not considered my Auntie were either "Grandparents" or Mr. and Mrs. (enter last name). Although I was out playing all day long, I was never unsupervised. The whole neighborhood supervised me. I could wander over to one Auntie's house for cookies and stories. Then I would wander to another Auntie's house to play with the animals they had. And you could bet I have been disciplined by various Auntie's. They never spanked me, but they did let me know when I screwed up. In fact, it was more scary getting chewed out by an Auntie than it was to get disciplined by my parents (and my parents didn't take any crap). 

Simply knowing that anyone I came into contact with felt free to let me know when I had done something wrong made me think twice before doing something stupid. Our kids need that now. I understand that parents can't be everywhere, but our society needs to step up and take responsibility for teaching kids right and wrong. And parents need to give society that authority. The way things are now, adults are afraid to correct children that are not their own (remember I am not talking about spanking, but correcting) or if they do, the kids run home to over permitting parents that get angry at the adult who tried to correct destructive behavior. Then the parents can't figure out what went wrong when the kid grows up to be a disrespectful trouble maker.

I have been dumbfounded to see how people allow their children to talk to them. I have even stepped in and told children not to talk to their mother this way (I knew the kid and the mom...I guess that makes me the Auntie). Its amazing that neighborhood kids that don't listen to their parents will listen to me, and beg to come over and play. That just tells me that the village is more powerful than a family unit alone. Children understand that, and prefer the village. Let's build our society into a village, for our children's sake.

Daddyhood - a post by the Husband

You know, one of the most interesting things about being a new father is the emasculating changes. 

I used to listen to Metallica, MegaDeth, Slayer, Morbid Angel, Fear Factory...a bunch of even more "heavy" bands. These were always on rotation in my car tape deck...and eventually CD player (hey, at least I'm not back from the 8 track days!). 

When my son was first born, I didn't know any lullibies. So I would sing (in a soft, slow way), my favorite metal tunes. 

Do you know the song's that are now constantly playing in my head? Mostly little ditties from Sesame Street. "Sunny days, chasing the clouds away...on my way to where the air is sweet...". There's tons more too. I also find myself humming the theme song to Spongebob Squarepants. 

Just this weekend alone, I've seen more Sesame Street than I have since I was 2. Even considering flipping through the channels. I mean...where's "Electric Company" to break up the monotony?

I mean, I know that metal is slim pickin's nowadays. The shutdown of KNAC was a somber day. But I can't even think of a modern metal band that I like (I loathe new Metallica...even their latest). Sure, I dug Slipknot, but I haven't heard much from them lately. And honestly, I feel weird about listening to the good metal now. What does it look like for a greying man driving a "family SUV" (the equivalent of a mini-van) cranking metal. I guess its less weird than when I crank some video of Elmo singing for the toddler. Sigh... Elmo's World. I've sung/hummed that more in the last week, than any metal tunes in the last few months. 

Now don't get me wrong. I love fatherhood and husbandhood. I just hate oldhood. Getting old sucks! "Its better than the alternative"... Hey! I'm griping! Give me my gripe time! There are no right answers. Just grumbling, some talking under the breath, evil looks, and accidentally humming the theme to "Dora the Explorer'.

Broken Treasures

While shopping for the endless supply of diapers and baby snacks that has become our life, I saw the most incredible toy. Our little one didn't notice it yet, but it was just too awesome to let him miss out. I reached toward the red, fuzzy doll when I suddenly saw our little guy look my way. His eyes lit up to see a real live Elmo doll right before him. One of the biggest smiles I've ever seen came across his face as he reached excitingly toward Elmo. Then I pushed the button on Elmo's back, and our baby laughed and eagerly grabbed Elmo while he watched the doll move and talk. This was the perfect toy. Yes, it was expensive. With a $60 price tag, this would be the most expensive toy he has had in his short life, but how could I not get it? I don't remember ever seeing him this excited about a toy. I briefly thought about putting Elmo back on the shelf, but then our little one gave Elmo, and the box he came in, a huge hug. He looked up at me with an excited smile on his face as if to say "Thank you Mommy". That was the deciding factor. Elmo Live came home with us that day.

Our toddler and Elmo became pretty good friends. He would drag Elmo to Daddy, then to Mommy, and back to Daddy. He held the mechanical arm as Elmo tried to give him hugs. While Elmo was telling stories, he pried open Elmo's mouth to see how wide it would open. I was quite amazed at Elmo's durability, but he just couldn't stand up to our toddler. Eventually Elmo couldn't finish his stories. He forgot what he was trying to say mid sentence. He froze while dancing, then stood up tall and stared straight ahead as if he forgot where he was and what he was doing. He would freak out and throw himself on the ground. Elmo had developed Alzheimer's disease. There was nothing we could do for him except let him live out the remainder of his battery life in our home.  As the days passed, Elmo sat alone for increasingly longer stretches of time. Eventually, we forgot about Elmo. Life went on, and lonely Elmo watched on. 

One morning, while our little one was napping, I went through his toys to decide what he doesn't play with anymore and should be donated, and what we should keep. I came across Elmo and stared into his vacant eyes as I recalled the utter joy he brought our family. But alas, he was a broken toy and was causing clutter. I reached to put Elmo in the bag and my mind wandered to my Grandma.

My Grandma was the foundation my life was built on. Whenever I had trouble, Grandma was there and she always knew just how to make me feel better. She sacrificed her life to make me happy. She stayed up all night when I was sick. She never followed her dreams in order to be there for her children and grandchildren. She stopped whatever she was doing to play with me. And then, one day she just couldn't play any more. She spent a lot of time staring vacantly at the wall, and sometimes forgot who I was. Grandma stayed home as long as the family could care for her, but eventually she needed more help than we could give and was moved into a skilled nursing facility.

Grandma was a lot like Elmo. She didn't have Alzheimer's, but did have bouts of dementia and as time went by became weaker and weaker. Did we give her away simply because she was broken? When did the one I love become clutter in our house? Rationally, I know we made the right decision. Grandma received care in the home that none of us could provide. It was the best thing for her. But that doesn't alleviate the guilt. Whether or not Grandma can play anymore, I still love her. Do I want to teach my child that we throw out the ones we love just because they don't work like they used to? How is he going to treat his Grandparents, or even his parents when we become broken? Will we be thought of as clutter? With tears streaming down my face I lovingly placed Elmo on the shelf among my boy's most cherished toys. I'm sure he will be happy to hold Elmo in his arms once again. Elmo may be broken, but he is still treasured.

Chasing Bunny Rabbits and Dreams

Today my Dad and I took the little guy to a park that is known to be the home of several rabbits. I thought he would simply enjoy seeing the rabbits and getting a chance to run around, but as I watched my little rabbit chaser I saw a unique life lesson. See, no matter how close this little bundle of energy got to the rabbits, they always stayed one hop ahead of him, constantly staying out of his grasp. But for about 2 hours he kept trying, laughing and having a ball the entire time. He never got frustrated that they wouldn’t hop into his arms. In fact, he thought the challenge to be an interesting game,

My son simply enjoys the process of learning and living life to its fullest. Yes he has goals in mind and he tries hard to reach those goals, but more importantly, he values the process. While he really wanted to catch a rabbit, he enjoyed feeding the rabbits, watching them hop away, chasing them, and finding new rabbits around the corner. While trying to catch a rabbit, he learned that they live in holes in the ground, they eat carrots, they poop little balls (somehow everything in my life revolves around poop), and they are faster than he is. 

You may think I am looking too far into a simple outing with rabbits, but my son is quite studious. He spends hours a day with his nose in books, reading to his stuffed animals, reading to me, and having me read to him. When he saw me writing something on paper, he spent 45 minutes (an eternity for a toddler) trying to copy what I wrote. He even got angry when I stopped helping him write the letters of the alphabet. He is overjoyed when he can show that he recognizes letters or words. But more importantly, he enjoys the process of learning to read. He is having so much fun learning how to read that it doesn’t matter to him that reading by himself is consistently just out of his reach. With an attitude like that, he is bound to succeed in life.

I am constantly amazed by how much I learn from my son. Today I have learned to stop worrying so much about “catching” my goals because the true measure of success is in how much fun you have getting there.

If I Only Knew

I feel like I prepared myself pretty well for the task of raising children. I studied to become an elementary school teacher, I taught 3^rd grade Sunday School, I led classes that helped grieving children, I taught preschool kids, I volunteered in elementary school classrooms, I led the children’s martial arts classes, and I was a nanny. Based on all of this experience, I felt confident in my ability to provide a solid foundation for any child. Like most first time mothers, I made my game plan while I was pregnant.

Our perfect little family would sit by the fire and read Bible stories every night and we would pray as a family.

In reality, I haven’t even made it to church since our little guy has been born because of his nap schedule plus I don’t want to leave him with anyone besides family before he can talk. After he goes to bed, I spend another 2-3 hours cleaning. By the end of it all I am too exhausted to d anything but crawl into bed. Sometimes I don’t even make it to the bed.

My children would not watch TV (at least not before they entered preschool and then it would be limited to 30 minutes a day).

Oh what a joke! I don’t know what I was thinking. Sesame Street is the ONLY reason I get anything done around here.

My child would have a sophisticated palette because we would feed him the wide range of foods from around the world that we enjoy. He certainly would never eat McDonalds.

Come on. This guy doesn’t eat anything. I read all the books from the “experts” that say your child won’t starve himself. Well, they don’t know MY kid. He went from the 90^th percentile in weight to the 5^th percentile in a little over a year. When I finally find something that he will eat, I stock up on it. Then he decides he won’t eat that anymore either. I am pulling my hair our trying to bulk this kid up.

I would be so organized and on the ball that I would still have time to pursue my many hobbies.

24 hours is not enough time in a day. Even when I do organize things, my little one decides they should be put somewhere else and doesn’t bother to tell me.

My child would certainly never be that bratty kid throwing a temper tantrum in the store.

Ok, so before I had a kid I always thought this was the parent’s fault and the kid just needed a little discipline. Boy was I wrong. Tantrums are a normal part of parenthood. Luckily, I have found a way to minimize the tantrums I deal with from my little guy, but I still know that being tired or hungry can set him off.

Since I had potty trained other children already, potty training my own child would be a breeze.

I am finding problems with potty training a boy that I never had with girls. Plus, my guy will tell me he has to go (actually he shows me. He doesn’t speak too well yet) and I will take off the diaper and sit him on his potty, only to have him stand up immediately and run around the house with me trying desperately to put a diaper back on before everything comes out.

Although I knew how to do the Heimlich maneuver on infants and children, I would never need it because I would watch him every second and would only give him food that I knew he could easily swallow.

I can’t tell you how many times I have dislodged food from my little one’s airway. I can’t turn my back for a second. And he is so quick about finding something that he shouldn’t have and sneaking it into his mouth. I’ve done the finger sweep so man times just because he was too quite. Sure enough, he had something in his mouth that he shouldn’t have had.

I would give my son all the attention he wanted, even if that meant dropping everything to play.

Sorry kiddo. I love my son and give him plenty of attention. But he is not the only person in this family, and others depend on me too. I usually involve him in my chores, like folding laundry, but he cannot help cook dinner yet and I can’t stop just because he wants me too. Now that reality has set in, I feel that it is healthier this way. It is a good start in teaching him that the world does not revolve around him.

I would never have to deal with finding a rotting sandwich under the seat because my son would never be allowed to eat in the car.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to get somewhere when my little guy was hungry. The kid hardly eats anything, so when he wants to eat, I let him. And yes, that means finding rotting food in the car.

My son would sit down to eat 3 small meals and 2 snacks everyday. He would never be allowed to eat and play at the same time.

He usually sits down for his 3 meals, but if I had him sit at the table for his snacks too we would be chained to the house. It just doesn’t work that way. This must have been another one of those things suggested by the “experts”. Well, I was an expert too before I had a kid, and look how wrong I was about everything.

Marriage Counseling

With today's divorce rate, people have come to believe that marriages are "for better or else" rather than sticking it through thick and thin. Now don't get me wrong, I totally understand why marriages fail, especially when children are in the picture. Both parties feel over worked and under appreciated, and life as you once knew it is turned upside down. But I am still old fashioned and don't think divorce is an option except for a very few circumstances. Lately, John and I both have been learning to deal with the stresses of life, family, and toddlerhood with a strong commitment to our marriage. Just like most couples, we have had our ups and downs as we each feel misunderstood.

Recently, we had been trying to work out new guidelines for every day living. Now, I don't want to give you the wrong idea. This was a very calm discussion, one that most couples need to retouch on every now and then. We both feel over worked, under appreciated, and neither of us has time to pursue desired activities. But right in the middle of our discussion we realized it was time to put the little tyke to bed. As usual, we all went to lay on the big bed until our little one became super drowsy or fell asleep. 

Usually, we have one or two games we all play in the big bed. We sing songs, play clapping games, chase shadows, we even play counting games. Our little guy will usually give us a kiss if we ask. He will pucker up and say "Mmmmmmwah". On this day when we asked for a kiss, he gave us one and then felt that it was important for Mommy and Daddy to kiss, so he pushed our faces together while saying "Mmmmmmmwah". John and I both laughed, as our little one made us kiss again, and again, and again. This game went on for about 10 minutes. And the funny thing is, all of our hurt feelings and bitterness disappeared. We laughed, loved and remembered why we got married. I think if everyone had a marriage counselor for a son, there would be far fewer divorces. Our son made us put aside our differences and remember that we love each other, and nothing else matters. How profound! What a lesson to learn from a baby that isn't even 18 months yet!

Every night since we have been playing the marriage counselor game. And every night we have been reminded that we love each other very much and will work through anything together. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family.

Old Remedies, New Mother

There are so many questions new mothers have. You want to provide the best for your little one, but you don’t always know how. You get conflicting messages from friends, family and even strangers. Well, my Grandma always seemed to know what to do. I often turn to my memories of how Grandma handled situations to help my little guy when he gets hurt, sick, or opinionated (read temper tantrum).

I remember when I had chicken pox. I was 14 years old and my Grandma often  mentioned that it was the worst case that she had ever seen. She stayed by my side day and night. She would spend hours gently rubbing my back until I finally slept. She rubbed Caladryl lotion all over me, several times a day to help stop the itch. But I mostly remember her drawing an “oatmeal bath” for me at 3am several nights in a row to relieve the itchiness. Grandma always made me feel better, even if there wasn’t much she could do. She stayed by my side and tried everything she knew how. Some things worked, and some things didn’t. But the love always came through in everything she did.

So, when my little guy had a really bad case of diaper rash, I turned to my memories of Grandma’s remedies to help him out. We  had a diaper rash ointment at home, but it wasn’t working. I asked my husband to get the brand that my Grandma always used on us grandkids on his way home from work. But in the mean time, my baby was miserable and he cried to Mommy to help. I remembered the oatmeal baths my Grandma used to give me and how much relief they provided. So I immediately started getting the bath ready.

My little guy sat in the tub with the water filling around him as I dumped in the oatmeal. Well, apparently the oatmeal bath that Grandma gave me was not the Quaker brand. I poured an entire canister of Quaker oats into the tub, surrounding our baby with cholesterol fighting goodness. The water turned muddy and paste like, and the oats sank to the bottom. It wasn’t until then that I realized something wasn’t right. How would I drain the tub? It took about 30 minutes, but I finally got the oats out of the tub using a colander. I just knew my Grandma was watching me from heaven and laughing harder than she had before. 

We always had a way of making each other laugh and I guess I’m still doing my part. I guess I should have paid closer attention to her old home remedies. I got it eventually, but I could have saved so much time if I had paid closer attention. At least I picked up the most important lesson on how to make people feel better. The love comes through in every thing I do, even the blunders.

Mother's Day Then and Now

As a child I was always so proud to show my Mom how special she was on Mother's Day. I would make her breakfast, a homemade gift, and then we all went out as a family. It was perfect; just what any Mom would want. At least that's the way it was in my mind. It was really more like this. I would wake up super early to make breakfast. But I couldn't find the pans I needed and would wake my Mom up simply clanging dishes together in the cupboards trying to find the right pan. Then, I wouldn't be able to find some very needed ingredient and would go into my parent's room to ask Dad where the necessary ingredient was. Mom would always pretend to be asleep, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't. Then I usually broke a dish or three. And right about then, the house would fill with smoke and the fire alarm sounded. Ok this only happened once, but it did happen. Time to wake up Mom. Breakfast is ready. 

After powering down a burned breakfast, my Mom cleaned up my mess in the kitchen while I got dressed. But she never complained. She always thanked me for the wonderful breakfast. Before we left, I would give her my gift. She always looked so happy to receive my fine jewelry. She LOVED wearing my pasta necklaces dripping with glue and glitter. At least that's that what she had me believe. In reality, she vacuumed everyday for a week just to get the fallen glitter out of the carpet. I'm pretty sure she had to throw away a shirt or two because of the glue. Then we would go out to do something as a family, which usually meant something fun for me; the park, the beach, etc. Finally, after a day of play, we would come home, and Mom would cook dinner. At the end of the day, Mom always thanked me for such a wonderful Mother's Day. 

It wasn't until I became a Mother that I realized how much my Mom put up with on Mother's Day. I just had my dream Mother's Day (don't tell my Mom, she'll be jealous). My hubby woke up early with our baby so I could sleep in. I got to sleep until 10am! When does that ever happen? Then I leisurely got dressed and opened a wonderful gift. My little toddler got me a digital camcorder. Not sure where he got the money, but it was an awesome gift. He even signed his name to my card ;)

Finally we went to visit the Grandparents where we had a wonderful meal brought in from a local restaurant. And I had the best of both worlds. I got to be with my little guy and rest at the same time while he played with his Grandparents. 

What a wonderful Mother's Day. But I still have a lot to learn from my Mom. She put herself aside, on her own day just to boost my self esteem and my sense of giving. She put on a smile at my attempt to do nice things for her, even though it made more work. She even wore my pasta jewelry out of the house to show how much she appreciated my attempt at getting her a gift. That is the true power of a Mother. Even on Mother's Day she thought of me before herself. Kids can teach you a lot, but this was a lesson I learned from my Mom... it just didn't register in my brain until after I had a kid.

Husbands are Toddlers Too

The day my baby began walking is the day that he began throwing temper tantrums daily. It was common to see him throw himself onto the floor, body shaking, and screaming at the top of his lungs, all because I wanted him to get dressed, or I said no, or I simply couldn't understand his language. I've tried everything to stop the tantrums. I mean if he is going to do this before he is 2, what are the terrible twos going to be like? We did time outs, ignoring the behavior, giving him attention when he is good, making sure he is well rested, leaving fun outings during melt downs, telling him no in a firm voice. Nothing helped, until 3 days ago.

Three days ago, I happened to buy a collection of rubber stamps. It came with 2 ink pads and 17 rubber stamps with different animals on them. Our little one loves animals, and he loves stickers, so I thought he might like stamps too. Well, since that outing went off without a single tear or scream, I decided to give him a stamp and let him choose between two animals. I told him he got that because he was a good boy and didn't scream or cry. He was so proud of himself. He showed me that stamp all through out our next stop. At that stop there was no screaming, so he got another stamp. This reward system has gone on for 3 days. He has been so much more cooperative and my ears have had a well deserved break. Our little guy has even begun helping me pick up his toys at night and laughs excitedly when he gets his stamp for the good deed.

The turn around in our toddler's behavior got me to thinking about how I can apply this knowledge to other people, including my husband. All it took was a little recognition for what our guy did right to get him to want to be good more often. My husband is the same way. He really does a lot for this family and does it without the recognition he deserves. My hubby sacrifices time with our little one, seeing all of his first achievements, hearing his laughter every day to go to work so that I can stay home. He deals with work related stress and headaches all day. Then he fights traffic so we can live in an area that we love. And after all that, he comes home and plays with our baby even though he is exhausted and hungry. He even watches our baby on weekends and takes him out of the house so I can rest, shower, and regain my sanity. If I don't start recognizing all he does then he may start having temper tantrums. Yup, he's a pretty good guy. I think I'll go get him an "I love you" stamp.

The Wife's Word, the True Word, the Last Word

So my hubby seems to have a skewed sense of how things really work. $20 and hour for a babysitter? Who gets that much? And how do I apply for that job? Babysitters get $10 and hour. Yeah, maybe it would be quicker and cheaper to go to the movie by yourself, but how can you put a price on the time that we would spend together solidifying our marriage? People spend thousands of dollars to reconnect with their loved ones at special camps. I'm asking for a few hours to talk to my husband about something other than poopie diapers. He is always bummed that I am not interested in the same things as he is, so you think he would be happy I am taking an interest in his nerd movie. 

And what's this I hear about hot dogs and cheeseburgers? Dude with your high blood pressure you NEED me there to make you eat better. I am a pro at sneaking food into a theatre. I would make food at home just to keep you on track. I mean come on, you are worried about a little extra money for date night, but how much would a stint in the hospital from a heart attack cost?

So, my hubby learned his accounting from Enron, but he shouldn't feel bad about seeing a movie by himself. If I'm not worth 5 hours of his time, I'm sure I can fill that time slot with talking to his mother about how he ditched me and his baby.